The week I held my breath

IMAG1794I rarely posted about The Man’s deployment over the last year for security reasons and because I didn’t feel strong enough to endure the backlash I would receive if I was perceived as whining. I am ready to discuss how we survived, thrived, hunkered down, cried, you name it.  Put your seatbelts on because this may be a bumpy ride. 


The last week The Man was in country was probably the worst week for me hands down. I didn’t sleep, plus I ate everything not nailed down.

I wasn’t nervous about his impending redeployment or the reintegration.

I was terrified that this would be “the week.”

I didn’t want the doorbell to ring and when it did I was nervous. I didn’t want to look out and see the Army uniforms waiting for me to open the door to an impending life change.

At night I would think through the process. Trust me this is never a good thing to do when you are all alone and it is dark.

Those of us who have lived through a deployment know what I am talking about here.  We have read the stories of soldiers making it to their last week and then getting killed. Ugh.

Unfortunately, I was witness to the aftermath of a devastated family who’s soldier went on a 2 week pre-deployment “trip” and never came home.

Anything can happen.

I slept with my cell phone on my nightstand. It was the first thing I grabbed in the morning to check for an email. All I cared about was the email that said, “Alive and well.”  Roger that.

And that last week is excruciating. I prayed every night and especially hard when I knew he was making the trek to the airport. I breathed easier once he was out the country.

And I have slept like a baby since he’s been home. I even got a nap in one day.

I know The Man can get die in a car wreck while he is home. I get that. There is just something about the possibility when he is away that seems daunting.


  1. Happy for you lady! Exhale!

  2. I’m so glad you can breathe now. Beautiful.

  3. I feel you! And I’m glad you can relax now. Naps rock.

    As to the rest, dude. Vent away! I get the security reasons but who cares if you’re perceived as a whiner? You’re not saying anything the rest of us aren’t thinking or saying behind closed doors. Let the hypocrites scream; as long as you can get it out when you need to, it’s all that matters. We won’t judge.

    • Jennifer W says:

      Naps do rock! And I slept like a baby! hahahaha

      Ahhhh….”we won’t judge,” and that is the kicker, because there are some that do. Now that the deployment is over I can say “bring it on,” but in the midst of it I am a big mess and can’t handle it eloquently. I will be reduced to cussing and name calling lol

  4. I’m so glad to hear you can breath again – and nap! LOL, I totally get the fears of the last week, the closer we got to coming home the less likely my butt was willing to “help out” and leave the compound. You just feel like your rolling the dice without a payoff. As far as those that would call you a whiner – please, women who would say your whining about your fears are only trying to throw up the smoke to divert their own fear. By hearing or reading someone else say it is scary – they have to look inside at the fear they have hidden, so its easier to lash out. Too many “deployment” hardened wives wear it as a badge of honor to show no fear on this “next” deployment, when each deployment brings with it a whole new set of fears. I’m glad he made it home. Thank you for your emails while we were there, it meant a lot.

    • Jennifer W says:

      Thank you for the words of encouragement. You are right, deployment hardened wives do all of us no favors. Each and every deployment is different and brings a new set of challenges. I am glad you made it out of there in one physical piece. I know better than to assume you haven’t been changed in some way. Godspeed JennnyO!

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