It sucks at times. Yep, I said it. I know you all expected wine, roses, and laughter, but sorry not this time.
This is our 5th time reintegrating and I dread EVERY SINGLE second of it.
This time is different because of the ages of our kids.
And our dynamic as a couple is different because of what we both endured separately.
Our little guy is really struggling. He does NOT want to share Dad with anyone. My heart breaks for him. He struggled the whole deployment with separation anxiety. He was very nervous today that The Man would leave to run an errand without him. I, being the stellar mom that I am, had a “tone.” The Man asked me to not be annoyed sounding. That is difficult since I have lived with this for a year. Most of the time it breaks my heart, but sometimes it is just wearing. I have NEVER forgotten him anywhere and never would, just for the record.
The Man has been home 4 nights and the little guy has been in our bed 2 of them. He is not sleeping or eating well. Who knew?! I had a different expectation. I thought the little guy would be less stressed.
I feel myself being one of those annoying people who is always checking to see if everything is okay. I am always asking, “do you need anything?,” “can I help you with something?,” “is it too much?” Ugh! I hate feeling like the ground has shifted beneath us.
The Man likes to take care of me. He likes to put gas in the car. He wants to “do things,” but the reality is that it makes me feel incompetent, like I somehow failed.
Take the new dog. The Man mentioned over FaceTime, before he came home, that Max is out of control. My feelings were hurt because we had been taking the dog to dog obedience and I thought he had made great strides. Granted, he is still a tad hyper, but I can’t help that. It is his personality and he will grow out of it at some point and calm down. But I find myself worried sick that The Man will not like the dog and I burdened him with another animal for the next 13+ years.
We did so much better over the phone. Yep, I said that too.
I know in 6 months we will have a semblance of order and I will be praying for a TDY (means temporary duty assignment…a trip somewhere). In the meantime, we have to get through the awkwardness.
Our last reintegration was even more difficult. The Man came home with a newfound appreciation of our Catholic faith. He had always been more faithful than his wife, but this was beyond what I could imagine.
And I couldn’t really complain to my friends that I hated the fact that my husband was religious because seriously how can that be bad, right? Well, it was excrutiating for me.
It took about a year for us (okay me) to come to terms with things and get it together.
Reintegration is hard and painful. The Man has to get use to the madness of 3 kids and 2 new dogs. I have to remember that he is an introvert by nature.
Pray for us please.